A few years ago, I went through the toughest time of my life. I felt so unaccomplished and everything from church to marriage and all in between was upside down. I felt like I didn’t fit in in any category because I was either too much or not enough of what was needed to be accepted..
Suicidal thoughts/ running through my mind/ made too many mistakes to rewind/ if I keep going now I’ll be judged for my failures / maybe when I’m gone they’ll forget and just move on/ they’ll remember my smile, my voice and how I made them laugh/ instead of all those things that I tried so hard but failed at.
Those were real lyrics, the moment I was alone and had no one around to judge my tears, my mind would travel to this dark place where I was no longer in the picture, I was no longer being looked at, I was no longer the topic of a “did you hear?” conversation between a group of friends and relatives. My heart allowed my conscience to beat to the rhythm of its own heartbreaking but ironically complete sense making scenarios of how much better off everyone and everything would be if I was no longer around. I contemplated suicide as an action of relief and relied on no one to pull me out of it because I never let anyone in.
I put on a face of happiness and content in life for the world, sometimes I would allow myself to cry in front of my husband because I felt he was probably the only person who got to see when things really got to me, but even he didn’t fully comprehend the depth of my thoughts.
I cried my self to sleep so many nights it became a ritual, my pillow knew the moment the lights turned off and everyone in the house fell asleep we had a one on one meeting, where I took the weight off my shoulders and plowed them into my never ending-teardrenching pillow. (I swear I don’t know how my little body produced all those tears).
I remember one night after my usual sad pillow talk, I felt a push to get up and pray and I said to myself: That’s not God, he doesn’t want anything to do with you, you’ve let him down so many times! Why on earth would he be pursuing you?!
So I cried some more, probably the hardest I ever had I felt so done, I wanted to apologize to God and just say I tried.. so I rolled out bed, and before I knew it I was crying on my knees.
I don’t know how or when it happened but I was on my knees on the side of my bed, crying and sobbing as if I had just gotten the biggest beating in the world, the type of cry where you can’t really control the runs and occasional new sounds that come out of your mouth as you breath...
When out of nowhere I felt a breeze and a soft touch on my back and my crying went from uncontrollable banshee to a sob-sigh-deep breath, sob-sigh-deep breath. I heard a voice tell me: you’ve been making your way through a dessert, i know it’s been tough, you almost lost your marriage, you almost lost your faith, you almost lost yourself, you gave up on life a few times, but I knew you would make it through because I’ve given my toughest warriors the biggest battles knowing that the end story would be of victory and not defeat.
I’m not telling you things will be easy, in fact I’m saying they may get harder and you may want to give up a few more times, but if you hold my hand once again, I will lift you up and give you strength to fight, I will lift your head high as you walk and live the rest of your days, I WILL ALWAYS pursue you because the plans I have for you are greater than you could ever imagine.
I had never heard God’s voice as clearly as I did that night, it was as if he was on his knees next to me. I was afraid, but the peace I was starting to feel was so much more powerful than my fear that instead I started to pray. I prayed for everyone that I felt I had ever done wrong I prayed for everyone that I felt had ever done me wrong but most importantly I forgave myself. He made me understand that self-forgiveness is an essential part of being healed emotionally spiritually and opens the door to love for life- the longer you avoid forgiving yourself, the longer you will feel that suffering is deserved for the things you’ve done. It’s a never ending cycle of wrong choices that could easily lead down to depression and suicide.
I will always make sure to include the fact that I am imperfect in my testimony because that makes me human. I am not sinless, I am not a saint. I make mistakes and wrong choices and have to apologize to God daily!
BUT GOD, he was knocking at my door and never gave up, I allowed him in when I hit rock bottom and I get to share my story now because he gave my life new meaning.
Suicidal thoughts are a real thing, they happen daily, and it can be happening to the person you least expect at this very moment.
Check in on those around you, let them know how much you love them and how needed they are. Believe me, it will make a world of a difference.
We can put an end to suicides.