My storyline is written.
Just about three years ago, I went through one of the toughest times in my life. Things seemed to be going from bad to worse to worser (since it's my blog I get to use nonstandard words) as time went by, as though time itself was against me. I was slowly winding down like a watch running out of batteries, I was sinking deep into depression and feeling so lost! I literally did not see my self coming back from where I was. I contemplated suicide, lost in thoughts as I cried myself to sleep every night for months, all this; while being a worship leader, actively participating in my church's choir, married to a man that incessantly told me how much he loved me and mothering my two children. To anyone reading I was clearly not up to par with all my roles in that state of mind. I felt so disappointed in being a disappointment that I started to feel sorry for myself. Wondering why no one else was feeling sorry for me would kill me even more, until I started realizing that I was doing such an amazing acting job (inert Oscar speech here). It's almost like I had created these masks that I picked out for all the different scenarios I would find myself in. I had a mask for church, I had a mask for work, one for when I was around family and loved ones, but when I was alone in despair and I had the time to put the masks down, the reality would set in and I'd dig back into the darkness. Crying was my outlet, I would playback my day and think of how fake I was and thought of nobody really caring because I was there alone, and no one was coming to my rescue. The sad thing was I knew what I was in, I knew how I could get out of it but deep down and as insane as it may sound it was comforting and easy to cry it out and put on a mask again to face the world, if no one knew no one would judge, but there was one that I could not hide from. No matter how many fingers pointed, no matter how many tried rewriting my story with their opinions and judgmental scrutiny, my story had been written and sealed, yes! With all my flaws and mistakes.
I remember finally letting God back in, after many sermons and what had to have been specific prayers from the few people that truly knew my struggles and the process I was going through, God spoke to me. As clear as day, a Sunday service altar call- this worship leader, wife and mom heard a voice call my name out and say : It's time! It's now or never, you need to get up, move and step back into your storyline. You see for so long I had been sitting idle on the margins of my story, brainstorming paragraphs of my life that had already been written, trying to erase sentences that made me human as though I was this flawless creation that had to be perfect in everyone's eyes. Our flaws are what make us human, no matter how "Christian" "religious" or "content" you may seem, showing you're human will always work to your advantage in letting your story play out as intended. As I got up and walked to the altar, a place I was so familiar with; I was having an internal battle with my conscience, something I know that happens constantly with altar walkers, crazy because I never saw myself there (remember my roles) not I!! Couldn't be happening to me!! Everyone is watching me be flawed! But it was. I finally make it there, fall to my knees and my masks all literally shatter to pieces before me, I'm face to face with my maker and in his hand a book, clouded by the tears in my eyes as I whisper God I failed you, I'm sorry... he tells me, can't you see that I chose you? Don't you understand that I created you with a purpose? I chose you since before your mothers womb and I know that you have failed me but my plans for you are far bigger than what you can comprehend. People will always think they know your story, in fact they may have already created the plot, climax and conclusion for it, but remember there is but one author and your storyline has been copy written and sealed from begging to end. Although I tried battling back, I felt my mouth open up and the loudest shout left my mouth as I said I AM AT YOUR WILL, TAKE FROM ME ALL THAT HINDERS YOUR STORY FROM BEING COMPLETED IN ME. Instantly, I felt life blown back into me and as my hands lifted higher and higher I felt the spirit instruct me to point all round me as I repeated his words: Everyone will be a witness, I will be glorified in the midst of your dessert and when you walk out of it, you will sing of my faithfulness and walk in grace as you preach, you will run and not grow weary and those that one day persecuted you will bow down and praise me as they see my will in you be done. We may not always understand why we go through the downs of life, as human beings we may question the doings of God and wonder why me? We see people with roles in high places and are quick to think their life must be perfect but we never truly know the ins and outs of their alone time. The next time you make your way through someone's story be sure to know that your opinion is just that, an opinion with no factual input and most definitely will NOT affect in any way shape or form what God has written. Your story isn't over, your chapters are still coming together to end with a BANG! Let go and Let God.